Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Apple Addict

Today I saw an insipid Yellow Apple Core moaning, " I am going to die", flaked out at the side of the road.

No. It wasn't okay. It even had sickly orange ruts all over its person where someone or others teeth had been scraping at it. What are you supposed to do about it though ?

I'm no expert on apple cores or how to remedy them , which is terrible as I did feel enormously sorry for it. I didnt know where to begin helping it back to fullsome life. I mean, it was just sitting there with death written all over it in this eerie yellow ink.

But to tell you the truth, the real reason it worries me is that I am an Apple Addict and it brought me face to face with my own destructive behaviour.

This is why I am taking myself off to get Certified. Yes. I am going to put on a pair of cordeuroy trousers and a stripey jumper with sleeves that are much too long and then I shall lurch down the road and sign up. I'll keep my hands in my pockets and look to the bottom left all the way. It'll take ages to get there because I'll be struggling with my ravenous addiction and the fetid vision all the way.

Yes. After today I just cant go on with it. No. My conscience will be gnawing on itself until I get it Certified.

I might even wear a beanie when I go. Do you think that would make me look like a Struggling Apple Addict ?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Inner Paranoid Schizophrenic

Yes - the Inner Paranoid Schizophrenic is born...

Inner Mind Fish

The original painting - now in ether-space ......

Aboriginal Dreaming

This week the Aboriginal Dreaming got into my dreams and I had a terrible night's sleep.

I dont know what the hell it thought it was doing. I mean, heck, did I really need a Serpent crashing about in my mind/brain system ? I've got enough dreams of my own without it licking it's way into them.

What really miffs me though, is that I have no idea as to why it thought I would be interested in dreaming about the Dreaming. My dreams are quite complex enough without contrary myths sliding about in them.

I mean, it wasnt even in the right culture. I wanted to be dreaming about what I wanted to be dreaming about and was just about to get into some good stuff, when this great Spotted Serpent came slobbering along.

Well, it goes without saying that all the actors in my dream took one look, forgot all about what they were supposed to be doing for my Psychedelic Wellbeing and ran back into the mists of my sub-conciousness. I ask ya !

So there I was , left with this great enormous Aboriginal Symbol slithering about in my mind/brain system. Not exactly a suitable companion when one is in need of a curative night's sleep. I got out of bed feeling about 999. And I was supposed to be at the introverts club by 10am, but I was too tired to make it.

And....the people at the Introverts Club rang me to make sure I hadnt gotten too withdrawn to come, or that I was lost in some really good piece of introspection and had lost all concern for externals.

So I told them about this wretched Serpent that had somehow strayed into me. "Well, how did it get in ? " they all asked. Well, I told them, I could only imagine it was probably really only the size of a tiny baby worm and wriggled up a nostril or other; but what about the terror-ridden night I had ?

Yes. Small it may have been, but still, it was functional. And what if the Aboriginals find out that I have their Serpent in my head ? They might claim me as an Aboriginal Artefact, or peg my head out as a sacred site. Can you imagine the stress I've been under, worrying about this ? And you cant even get a Stress Pie Chart for this particular life pressure !

So I hope it dosent come back. In fact, one night this week I am going to try to have a dream involving a truch load of cement. And I will make sure there is a passenger on the truck looking our for the serpents hole.

Yes. When he sees the Serpent's Hole, I will get the passenger to force the truck off the road and into the hole, so that when the cement dries the Serpent will be blocked out.

If I cant find a Cement Truck Diver, could you please try to employ one in a dream, then wake up before he has a chance to disintegrate and I'll rush over and coax him up my nose with a Tonka.

Savvy ?

Laughing Smiling Faces

This week I saw precious few Laughing Smiling Faces.

They really are becoming a rarity. Collectors items. Museum pieces.

In fact, I think it could be very lucrative to collect any you see.

No. Don’t stress out. I’m not suggesting you go pull them off heads or anything. The idea I have mindfully formulated involves simply running up to the Laughing Smiling Face, very quickly tossing a swab of plaster of Paris over it, waiting for it to dry, pulling it quickly off, then running.

Then when you get it safely home, you can colour in your Laughing Smiling Face with bright crayons and there you will have it. A joy to behold.

I’m sure there would be a hungry market for them. Especially since people are getting so down about what goes on TV. Come to think of it, that could be the best place to start marketing them ! Get the newsreader to wear one while he’s describing the day’s tragedies.

Offer him shares in the company or something. I’m sure he’d be in on it. You could even get them to flash the postal address of Laughing Smiling Faces Inc. on the bottom of the screen.

You may even be able to arrange a deal with the reporters. You know. If they get some heinously disadvantaged scene a bit earlier than usual, they could quickly hand out Laughing Smiling Faces to all the woefully woebegone ones.

There would be a cluster of benefits to be enjoyed by society if this happened. For a start, the news would appear to be not quite what it is. It could even take on a pleasant mood of merriment; perhaps even serene bliss. Who’s to say it won’t start to glow with Goonism?

This could stimulate the viewing population’s interest in laughing and smiling and they may then proceed to order their masks from you by the hysteric load.

A word of warning before you set off: if too many people begin to actually laugh and smile, the demand for the masks could quickly decline.

Now I’m not trying to suggest you organize some gross news item to snap every one of it; but a word about it nonetheless: if happiness unwittingly becomes commonplace because of these masks, if joy is to be our lot, and as such, singing in happy groups becomes impossible to resist, then let me suggest it would be wise to get your news people to unveil something macabre often enough to mute things.

Just get them to leave their Laughing Smiling Faces off until objective truth asserts itself again, then whack em’ back on.

This gentle backward and forward motion of brainwashing and disillusionment of the public will take a little time to master, but I’m sure you’ve got what it takes.

But first you must catch your Laughing Smiling Face.

I wish you luck.

Ps. I want half the profits.